It seems I have come full circle. There and back again ... to grief.
Grace finding the most nourishing nibbles.
For almost 2 years I've avoided blogs and newsletters, postings, workshops or conversations that turned toward 'my' horses because any one of them might bring me to where I am right now... trying to write what words feel inadequate to convey. So I thought I'd read through some old blog posts, hoping to find something that might help me share what it is time to share - and to grieve.
The Grace in Grief was written and posted in 2017, addressing my perception at the time of society's inability to hold space for grief. And just as I was struck then about the oracular nature of the internet, I am similarly struck today by how meaning can find us again and again, taking us more deeply into the words and stories we have read or written before.
"There are those, however, that are not frightened of grief: dropping deep into the sorrow, they find therein a necessary elixir to the numbness. When they encounter one another, when they press their foreheads against the bark of a centuries-old tree...their eyes well with tears that fall easily to the ground. The soil needs this water. Grief is but a gate, and our tears a kind of key opening a place of wonder thats been locked away. Suddenly we notice a sustaining resonance between the drumming heart within our chest and the pulse rising from the ground."
~ David Abram
On June 3rd, 2022, though I was not frightened by grief, I dropped deep into sorrow ... my tears watered the soil.
I lay beside Grace, cradling her head in my hands as her earth heart began to wane. Her eyes searched for mine while I whispered stories of the love and beauty she'd awakened in so many - in me.
As her increasingly shallow breaths blew gently upon my face, I felt every pore open like a tulip to the dawn. I breathed her in, desperate to hold onto every last molecule and message, to sustain resonance with the heart of her and the wisdom she'd so generously bestowed; master teacher to student, apothecary to apprentice, mother to daughter, and soul to soul.
I tried to stop time. I cried out for time to stop. It would not.
She exhaled one final time. I held my breath for as long as I could. I could not let go. How could I let go?
More tears watered the soil. They water it still. And to the question... how could I let go, let go of Grace? My answer is still forming however I believe I start ... with grace.
Post Script 1
For those of you who've been held in her embrace, received a kick in the pants - metaphorically of course - or had her walk through or within your orbit in the way that only she could do, please and thank you for continuing to hold Grace in your heart. And please and thank you, write me with your memories or stories of Grace. They, and you, are cherished. info@chironsway.com
Post Script 2
Later today, an announcement will be made about a beautiful new co-creation entitled The Council of Horses - a wisdom card deck and guidebook due out this October, in which Grace will continue to add her light within this illuminating herd of equine teachers.
In her 'apothecarian' style, she could offer forth a pantheon of remedies and guidance, however within this council, she'll be teaching us about the algorithms of grief. As usual, she led the process and the blog post written above will be more fully and deeply shared therein, straight from the heart of Grace.
With love, gratitude and Grace...
Sandra
Beheld by Grace